My Heavy Heart

This week I've had a heavy heart.  The only way I can describe it is, I feel that I am May Boatwright in the book The Secret Life of Bees.  I feel that I need a wailing wall...or this blog!

The shooting in Aurora, CO.  When I heard this, my heart just dropped.  I don't know anyone who was involved but I just felt sickened.  I couldn't imagine enjoying the night seeing a movie with friends or a loved one and experiencing that.  There were children in the theater for goodness sake.  I understand that I wouldn't take my child to a midnight showing, but those other parents did and...it's just awful.  I'm not sure why I've been sick to my stomach thinking about this, but I have.  I've been praying for victims and their families. 

Another aspect of the shooting that has my stomach in knots is the shooter himself.  I know I haven't talked a lot about G in a while and there is a reason.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to open up fully about him but he no longer lives with us and now lives with his mother in Arizona.  We made that choice after he raised his fist to me.  W had seen a progressively unstable mood, dispite the fact that he was seeing a therapist for over a year, he was on medication, and he was under the care of a physician.  Learning of the shooter in Colorado made me instantly think of G.  I know some of you reading this may think that I'm over-reacting and he can't be THAT bad, but I promise you, that he really is!  Moving on though...

I want to tell you about a friend of mine.  Her name is Jenn Gibbons and she embarked on a journey June 15 to be the first person to row solo the perimeter (that's 1,500 miles!) around Lake Michigan in order to raise awareness about the importance that exercise plays in reducing breast cancer recurrence.  Her goal is to raise $150,000 on her trip.  Monday (23rd) on her facebook wall this was posted: 

Unfortunately, the Row4ROW team has some sad news to report and we need your help. Jenn was set to row to Beaver Island on Sunday morning but was attacked and sexually assaulted by a man in the early morning hours. Investigators have reason to believe the assailant traveled a significant distance to commit the assault. The suspect is described as a white male in his 30s, approximately 5’8” to 6’ t...all, with a fair amount of facial stubble hair, but not a full beard nor mustache. The man has light eyes, an average to athletic build and shorter well-kept hair. He was wearing a grayish green t-shirt, jean shorts and tennis shoes. A bright yellow Jeep Wrangler was seen in the area. It has a spare tire on the back with a yellow smiley face on it. Investigators are seeking information about this vehicle. Anyone with information or investigative leads please call the Michigan State Police toll-free at 1-866-411-0018. Please know that Jenn is safe and in good hands. A statement from her about the trip and future plans will be made very soon. Please re-post and help us find this criminal. Thank you for your continued support of Row4ROW.

I was very saddened and sick to my stomach when I heard this news.  She is a strong woman because the next day she wrote this:

I have always tried to be transparent and honest about the obstacles of this trip in the hope that my openness and vulnerability might give someone strength or inspiration in their fight against cancer, or in pursuing a dream.

I know that I had a choice in telling people about the details of my attack, particularly that it was a sexual assault. To go through this at all, let alone publicly, is extremely difficult. I chose to talk about it in the hope that someone might be able to provide more information about the person who did this to me.

Thank you for the endless amounts of support, prayers, and love. Please know that I am in the best of hands–with my family and in the protection of the Michigan State Police.

I still believe that there are more good people in the world than bad.

I still believe that life is a gift, even when it’s scary and unfair. I still believe that life offers us the privilege, the opportunity, and the responsibility, to give something back, even when people try to take things away from us.

Regarding the trip, one thing hasn’t changed: I’ve still got this. But the trip plan will change in a few ways to ensure my safety.

Most importantly, I will no longer be alone.

Tomorrow, Liv will be trailered to a secure location in Muskegon, Michigan until I can continue the trip on water sometime next week. From that point to Chicago we can ensure my safety on water since we’re confident that there are enough harbors and enough resources and volunteers to make it possible. Because we are unsure that I can be kept safe on the water in the miles between where I am currently and the point at which I will start rowing again, I will tackle them on land.

With thanks to a generous donor and the support of amazing volunteers, later this week I will continue traveling Lake Michigan’s perimeter by bicycle. A support crew will accompany me and ensure my safety day in and day out. When I get to Muskegon, Liv and I will reunite and keep pushing to get to Chicago sometime in mid-August, as we had originally planned.

My chin is up, my eyes are open, and we’re going to get this show back on the road (then water).

GO ROW.

She is a strong and amazing person...I am grateful to have a friend like her.  I am hoping that my heavy heart will stop being so heavy.  I've just been in this funk and I can't seem to get out of it.  Tomorrow Mr H. and I have a meeting with the Stake President.  I'm hoping that it's about the cancelation of sealing.  I'm really not sure what's it's about and that makes me nervous.  I am, however, getting an hour long massage.  Hopefully that will ease some of my built up tension...

Are you sleeping like a baby?

If so, you probably don't have one.  I don't have a baby either, but I can guarentee that I don't sleep like one.  I value sleep just like everyone else and when I had a baby I thought that there would be sleepless nights for a while...I didn't, however, know that I would STILL have sleepless nights after 5 and a half years! 

KK has ALWAYS had a hard time sleeping through the night.  When he was a baby I just nursed him.  I pulled that bad boy out, laying on my side he would suckle for a couple mins and fall back asleep.  I was usually so tired that I fell back asleep...boob still hanging out and everything.  I weened him at the tender age of 3...that's right folks, KK was still nursing at age 3!  When Mr H. moved out to Ohio September of 2009, I was STILL nursing.  Why for so long, you ask!?  I think at the time there were a lot of things going on in both of our lives and we needed that time together.  Plus, like I said earlier, it was easier to let him suckle for a couple mins than to listen to him cry, especially when I was going through too much in my personal life (separation/divorce, school, and work). 

Anyway, going back to KK having restless nights.  EVERY single night he crawls into bed with us.  Mr H. hardly notices KK even climbed into bed until he starts moving around.  He is the biggest Bed Hog.  He's punches and kickes both of us, although, he prefers to punch and kick Mr H. more.  Not only is he a bed hog, but he has night terrors.  These night terrors make it hard for him to stay asleep all night long.  We usually start the bedtime routine around 7:45pm, bath, brush teeth, lotion, read scriptures, pray, read a book, then sing songs until he is asleep.  He's usually sleeping by 8:30pm.  I check on him before I go to bed around 11pm.  By 2am he is in bed with us.  Saturday night (going into Sunday) when I went to check on him before going to bed, he was having a bloody nose.  We cleaned with all up and he went back to bed, then about 3am he came to bed because he wet himself.  So I had a butt naked boy laying next to me, rolling and crwling all over me.  Last night KK was having a very hard time sleeping, he kept crying every time I walked out of the room (very light sleeper).  Eventually he woke up and came to my room before Mr H. and I even went to bed.  He settled himself into our bed and dozed off.  He said that he had a nightmare about a shark that was trying to get him in the ocean when he was going surfboarding with his whale and dolphin friends.  He kept waking up crying about the night mare.  Mr H. wanted to get a restfull nights sleep and slept in KK's room, it's a good thing he did because KK woke up with leg cramps, crying, and more night mares.  He woke me up at least 5 times with something.  I was so tired that I slept until 11am while he played with the Ipad.

I would like to say this this was an isolated incident, but it's not.  This is how it usually goes.  There are some days where he doesn't have a night terror, but that's once in a blue moon.  It's hard to not have enough sleep at night, or to be woken up every night for THIS long.  This is a picture of KK after he crawled into bed last night. 

This week

So, I've lost misplaced my camera.  I'm not worried about it...I'll find it in a couple weeks after I've misplaced something else.  If you know me, I'm ALWAYS misplacing something...I have a hard time keeping track of things, even if I Just had it in my hands.  I blame it on my speghetti brains, I have about 50 million things I'm thinking of at the same time, like a plate of speghetti, everything is overlapping and I can't ever seem to straighten my thoughts out.  But for now, I will post this without pictures.

We changed church times from 1pm to 9am.  This works out so much better.  I feel like I can get things done after church at noon rather than 4pm.  Last Sunday I took a nap from 6pm to 9am the next day.  Ok, well, it wasn't a nap but I originally laid down for a nap and ended up out cold until the next morning.  I must have needed it badly. 

The rest of the week went by nicely.  I invited a friend and her kids over to swim.  I know her from nursing school.  I invited another friend over to swim next week too.  I enjoy the pool and I've been trying to get out of the anti-social funk.  I'm pretty content with staying at home and doing my own thing, but Mr H. encourages me everyday to hang out with friends.  Well, it's not so much I don't like hanging out with friends, but that I don't like making new ones and I don't like groups.  He is a VERY social person (we're kind of opposites in that aspect).  Not only did invite someone over to swim, but I went to a girls night this week.  And...and...I invited a mom who's family just moved into the ward 2 weeks ago.  That was way out of my comfort zone but I figured that she may want to get to know some of the girls in the ward.  Mr H. was proud of me. 

KK has been doing some fun things.  Here's what I wrote on Facebook this week.  I need to remember to write them in the blog, but it's easier to post something small on there.  I feel that the blog warrents explainations and pictures everytime. 

July 9 -- So I hear a crash and things falling down...I can hear Caleb running into my room. He takes my face in his hands and says, "Don't worry mom, everything is under control! Don't worry ok!?" Ahhh...ok!?

July 13 -- What's this shape? Circle. What's this one? Diamond. And this shape? Square. And this one? Watermelon! That put both of us in a fit of giggles before bedtime. He is so funny.

The Missionaries came by this week while Mr H. was at  work.  It was so hot, I invited them in and got them some water.  We chatted for a bit.  They wanted to talk to us about the Missionary Family Plan.  This plan is developed by us, as a family, to help us find ways be a missionary in our everyday dealings.  So tomorrow our family will be will be making our own Missionary Family Plan. 

We played Volleyball for the first time in almost a year after my injury.  It was fun to get out and play.  Afterwards, though, my ankle hurt the next couple of days.  But I am hoping that eventually my ankle will become stronger and won't hurt as much. 

Well, hopefully I'll find my camera soon.  It's midnight and I should get to bed because church starts at 9am!

Capturing Memories

"In America, there are two classes of travel: First class, and with children." -- Robert Benchley

I saw this quote and laughed because it's true.  Last week KK and I went to Virginia.  We left June 18th and didn't come back until the 25th.  The GPS says it's about a 9 hour drive, we made it there in 11.  Traveling with a child, by myself, proved to be more difficult than I thought.  I left at 5:30am and KK stayed awake the WHOLE time...after 2 hours in the car we were playing the, "when are we there yet," game.  It was rough, but we made it. 

Once there, we settled down for a bit and went with Grandma Lisa to Zumba.  KK had been stuck in the car all day and needed to use some energy.  He LOVED Zumba and wants to come with me next time I go.  After Zumba we took a shower, ate tacos, and went to bed.

Tuesday June 19
Today we woke up late and Grandma Lisa made KK eggs for breakfast and I was happily surprised when KK brought a plate of eggs to me (I was still in bed).  It made me smile to have eggs made for me...it was a great way to start the morning.   We took our time getting ready for the day.  Once ready, we went to where Lisa works.  She wanted to show off KK, she figured since she talks about him all of the time she should probably bring him by for her co-wrokers to meet.  The last time they've seen him, he was 5 months old!  KK got lots of hugs and became VERY shy...the best part of his day?  All of the suckers!  Lisa works at a bank and everyone gave him suckers.  Matter-of-fact, I still have some of the suckers in my purse!  Once the running around was done, we came home.  KK and Lisa played outside.  I brought his bike on this trip and he showed Grandma how he can ride a 2-wheeler!  I, went and took a 4 hour nap!  4 HOURS!  I was tired.  We ate left-overs and planned our day for tomorrow and then went to bed

Wednesday June 20
Today we went to Washington DC. We met Pop pop (Ed) at his work first so that he could park the car in the garage. He needed to get back to work so Lisa, KK, and I took the metro to The National Zoo. KK LOVED the metro! His favorite part was standing and holding onto the bar while the train was moving.  

The longest escalator I've ever seen

The train was coming!

The Zoo was a lot of fun. We saw a ton of animals. We were able to hear a lion roar, which was awesome! KK loved all of the animals but was excited to see the pandas. Once we got to the pandas, though, he didn't seems as excited. It was so hot and humid. We kept ourselves hydrated and the mist stations helped. Lisa's soda exploded all over me...that was unexpected lol. We were able to see all sorts of different animals.  

He loves that thing

Did I mention that it was HOT!?

See the ape in the glass. It was so cute

We got some relief from the heat inside

My handsome boy!

I love him!

He did not want to get near this!

After the zoo, we went to The Museum of Natural History. Again, KK was able to ride the Metro:

At the museum we saw a bunch of animals that no longer are living. KK loved the Wooly Mammoth. When we were in the insect exhibit he had a bloody nose out of nowhere. So we took care of that and proceeded to the rest of the areas. 

We walked all over and I saw this couple with very bright hair and decided to take their picture. 

I liked looking at the hope diamond but KK didn't want anything to do with it. So all I got was a simple picture. 

Also in the basement of the museum there are birds native to the DC area. KK saw this owl and said, "Hedwig!" He really is my son. I had to get his picture next to the "Harry Potter" owl. 

After the museum we decided to go to Chipotle.  KK loved the quesadilla and had 2!  He was a hungry boy.  After dinner we went home and relaxed because the next two days were going to be filled with more great adventures. 

Thursday June 21
Today we woke up and no one was home. Lisa and KK went to purchase sand buckets. Ed went for a run. Have I mentioned that he runs...A LOT? He just recently finished a 50 mile marathon a couple weeks ago. Once everyone was home we packed up in the car to go to Virginia Beach. I had packed everything of KK's and mine the night before. He was very excited. I was very tired because I had a hard time falling alseep the night before. I had stayed up watching Harry Potter and reading Wicked. Once we were packed up we headed off for Virginia Beach.  These are some goofy photos we took while driving.

Eventually KK fell asleep and missed the tunnel that we drove through that goes underneath the water!  Once we reached our destination, we checked into the hotel then got ready to go to the beach.  KK was still tired but still very very excited!  This picture pretty much sums up how KK felt about the ocean.  He didn't want to leave!  We had to explain to him that we would be back the next day. 

 Once back at the hotel we all took a shower and pretty much brought the beach back with us. I haf so much sand in crevices it was awful. But after the shower I felt MUCH better. Wendy's was our stop for dinner. The we went back to the hotel to ger some rest for the next day.

Pose for me how much you like the beach

Friday June 22
Today we ate breakfast in the lobby of the hotel.  KK only wanted the yogurt and hard boiled eggs (white part only).  We packed up, checked out, and went back to the beach.  I went shopping for a while and bought sunglasses, a bag, boogie board, couple of shirts, and hats.  Once I came back from shopping it was lunch time for KK.  I ate McDonalds and had to wait to go back in the water.  He didn't want to wait after he saw that boogie board.  I wish that I had gotten more pictures of him on the boogie board, but honestly we were playing in the water and having so much fun that I didn't even think about pictures.  While Grandma Lisa and KK were having fun in the water I was sitting in our spots and in the corner of my eye I thought I saw lightening, but it was so bright and sunny out that I thought it was in my head until I heard the thunder and I saw KK just jump out of that water and come running.  He was out of there and getting everything ready to pack up.  He HATES storms.  "Ok, it's time to pack up...let's go to the car...the storm is coming, let's go"  He was ready to go, the only problem was that Ed decided to go running and we had no way of reaching him and we had so much STUFF (including my shopping) with us that it would make carrying diffucult.  But the lifeguards told us that they were closing the beach so Lisa and I had to try carrying everything, which we were able to manage.  The storm had come in fast because the wind was starting to blow and we just figured that Ed would realize that we were at the car, so while we waited we packed up so once he got there we could just hit the road.  I helped KK change into clean clothes and I tried getting all the sand I could off of him.  KK was a little better once we got to the car but he was still worried about Pop pop.  The ipad helped to distract him until Ed showed up and we were able to leave before the storm really hit.  We made it to the highway and the storm came, which meant that we had to go slower and therefore it was going to take longer in the car to reach the house.  KK was kind of getting restless and I let him peel my sunburned skin. 

Once he was done peeling my skin he was all tuckered out.  He didn't have much of a head rest so I kind of made one out of my ball of yarn.  He slept almost the entire way back...which, of course, made falling asleep difficult.

Saturday June 23
This is my message from my facebook status, which summed up the day: Home Monday...it's been fun but I'm excited to be home too. Today we ate at IHOP (since we don't have one close by) and saw Madagascar 3. Caleb also played a little bit of baseball with Grandma and Pop Pop. Highlight of the day...when we went to 7-11 to get a freezy and Caleb totally drop his and it splashed EVERYWHERE...floor, cupboard doors, counter, everywhere....I wanted to die!

Sunday June 24
Woke up around 5am to start the trip home.  I packed everything up in the car last night and all I needed to do was fill up the cooler, get KK buckled in, and make sure I didn't forget anything.  KK was still very tired, which was to my advantage.  I set him up with pillows on all sides of him and he slept 2 1/2 hours.  I was able to make some great time.  Going home was MUCH better than leaving home.  We only took a couple breaks to stretch our legs and eat some snacks.  KK and I had some good conversations...and we saw 'polar bear cows' (all white cows).  We traveled through Virginia, Maryland, Wes Virginia, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.  We stopped in Columbus and got a hotel on our way home because Monday I volunteered to help out at the Bishop's Storehouse.  The hotel had a huge king's size bed.  I was so excited bcause KK is THE BIGGEST bed-hog and let's just say that getting a good night's sleep with him in the bed is nearly impossible because he moves around so much...he also kicks off the covers.  So when I saw the king's size bed I was stoked.  KK wanted to have dinner at Golden Corral.  It was pretty good...I loved the sweet rolls.  We came home and swam in the pool for a while, took a shower, and got ready for bed.  KK fell asleep fast buct I couldn't get to sleep until about 2am!  That was 22 hours awake!  Plus I needed to be at the storehouse at 7!  So eventually I did fall asleep.

Monday June 25
Luckily the hotel had a hot breakfast for us.  We had eggs and bagels we washed it down with cranberry juice.  We worked hard at the storehouse labeling the orders and even shopping for the orders.  Once 9am came around there were tons of people there to help.  KK was getting restless and by 12 he was running around the store and the manager asked me if I could control him more so I decided it was time for us to leave.  There were only 11 more orders left.  We got home...can I just tell you how GOOD it felt to be home!?  We got home just in time for Mr H.'s lunch break.  He came home to see us and he didn't want to go back to work, unfortunatley he did (and he had night classes too so we didn't see him again until 9am).  KK and I spent most of the day at the pool and it was wonderful.